Writing a new book about going to church – need your help

Posted: August 31, 2013 in Jesus
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Little Things I can’t Do, Shouldn’t Do, wish I didn’t do In Church – PLEASE SUBMIT YOUR EXAMPLES

 

All of us church goers can remember little things we can do in church, things we shouldn’t do in church, and things We wish we didn’t do in church.  Please submit your examples of these things.  Once I get a thousand items I will publish my next book, “Little Things I can’t do in church, things I shouldn’t do in church and things I wish I didn’t do in church.  Here are a few items that have already been submitted to me.  I can either ad you items attributing the item to you or make them anonymous.

 

  1.  The guy that normally sits next to me, a few seats down, will often talk out his hanky, blow his nose and put his hanky back in his pocket.  It is tradition in our church to sing a few songs then standup and great everyone around you.  I will move down the row of seats just to see if he has any boogers or snot in his mustache. He never does.  I cannot blow my nose in public for fear of having left over boogers or snot in my mustache or as they say, bats in the cave.
  2. Or church always puts the words to the songs on two large screens in the front of the church.  When we start singing I have to “mouth” a lot of the word to look like I am singing because I can’t keep up.
  3. The other day one of my friends, Pastor Rick, and I were talking at lunch.  He is responsible for counting the offerings from church on Monday mornings.  He said one of his irritants is when people will put empty tithing envelops in the offering basket.  I didn’t tell him that I was one of those people.  I always pay tithes, but I pay every two weeks.  In the off weeks I put an empty envelop so people don’t think I am not tithing.
  4. We have a large church that accommodates 1,500 people in the sanctuary.  We have 5 services each weekend.  I like to sit in the third row just to the left of preachers podium.  My wife and I get to church early just so I can get my usual seat.  On occasion some one gets there before me and take “my” seat.  I find myself secretly wishing that someone will come and tell them that they left their lights on, or their kids starts crying so they have to get up and leave “my” seat. I find myself asking for forgiveness for these kinds of thoughts during open prayer.
  5. We have great speakers at our church. The average preacher’s message is about 45 minutes long.  I tend to have an “accountant’s” personality so after about 43 minutes I fold my Bible closed and start zipping it’s cover closed.  The last few minutes of the sermons can sometimes be the most important but a few of the unfortunate people that sit around me can only hear the teeth in my Bible zipper closing together.
  6. Our church takes holy communion every service.  Often I will chew gum.  I have learned to push the gum to one cheek and chew the communion wafer and drink the grape juice with the other check.
  7. One time on the way to church I bought grape bubble gum so it would blend with the grape juice and communion wafer I took during Holy communion.
  8. I was seated listening to the sermon when an attractive young lady had to slip past me to leave the sanctuary.  As she approached me, I set back to let her pass. As she got right in from of me she passed gas.  I was a little embarrassed as it stunk, and she was so pretty and well groomed I know everyone thought it was me.
  9. I was walking in to the sanctuary when I had the need to spit.  I like to think I am a respectful person so I spit on the grass.  After I wiped the remaining spit from my lips I looked and there was a statue of Mary holding baby Jesus. If I could have sucked the spit off the lawn back into my mouth I would have done it.

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